My Immello
by mattxmello trash
Summary: Near is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I'm a sinner
1. Chapter 1

((Note from Z: I don't own this abomination of Harry Potter, or Death Note. All credit to Tara & Raven. I also apologize in advance for what you're about to read.))

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my bf (ew not in that way) L, takingurcak666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Mihael ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebonear Dark'nate Dementia River Way and I have curly snow white hair that reaches my shoulders and dull grey eyes like your mum's face when she's choking on my dick and a lot of people tell me I look like L (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to L but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also an orphan, and I live in an orphanage called Wammy's House in England where I'm the number one successor (I'm seventeen). I'm a genius (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly white. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing white pyjamas. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, and black eye shadow. I was walking outside Wammy's. It was snowing and raining so the bells were loud today, which I was very happy about. I stared at Mello. He put up his middle finger at me.

"Hey Ebonear!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Mellofoy!

What's up Mello?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my imaginary friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

((Note from Z: I'm so sorry for this. However, it had to be done. The Death Note characters aren't going to turn themselves into goffik satanists.))

AN: Fangz 2 takingurcak666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my white pajamas. Instead, I put on a completely different pair of white pyjamas. I put on four pairs of earrings in my non-pierced ears, and pretended to care about my hair.

My friend, L (AN: L Lawliet dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long shoulder-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his grey eyes. He put on his plain white t-shirt with blue jeans and no shoes. We put on our makeup (white foundation and black eyeshadow under the eyes.)

OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Mellofoy yesterday!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Mello?" he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

Yeah right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Mello walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Kira and the Kiras are having a concert in London." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love KATK. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY (and mello) PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN L! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Kira and the Krias.

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On the night of the concert I put on some actual shoes for once in my life. Underneath them were actual socks. Then I put on a plain white T-shirt that wasn't pyjamas because I wanted to look good for Mello. I put on some pants too, which was a rare thing for me since I'm a lazy piece of shit. I curled my hair and made it look like mashed potatoes. I felt a little depressed then, so I dealt with my emotions in a healthy way. I read a depressing book while I waited for Linda to get out of the god damn bathroom because she takes so god damn long to get ready and I listened to some KATK. I painted my nails white and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some white lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Mello was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Keikaku t-shirt ((Note from BeyondSeptember12: Keikaku means plan)), tight black leather pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Mello!" I said in a slightly pissed off but mostly indifferent voice.

"Hi Near." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said M1HA3L) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Kira and the Kiras. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Kira and the Kiras.

"I come in cold, I'm covered in blood

They're all so happy I've arrived

The doctor cuts my cord, hands me to your mom

She sets me free into this life." sang Light (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Light is so fucking hot." I said to Mello, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Mello looked angry.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Mello sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Light and he's going out with Misa fucking Amane. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Mello. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Mikami and Light for their autographs and photos with them. We got KATK concert tees. Mello and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Mello didn't go back into Wammy's, instead he drove the car into… the Yellow Box Warehouse!


	4. Chapter 4

((Note from Z: I updated this, like, yesterday and I wasn't going to update 2 days in a row but it's Mello's birthday and I feel obligated to butcher his character. And yes, there is a Keehl pun, because I am a person of many bad puns.))

AN: I sed stup flaming ok near's name is ENOBEAR nut mary su OK! MELLO IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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"MELLO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Mello didn't answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Near?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Mello leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Mello kissed me passionately. Mello climbed on top of me and we started to make out keehly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my white socks. Then he put his dick into my asshole and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Watari!


	5. Chapter 5

((Note from Z: I'm sorry that Linda has been listed as a main character, and so far barely mentioned in passing. Do not worry, she will be appearing soon, as will Naomi, Takada, and several other people. I'm here for the memes because I can't write for shit. Thankyou.))

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur beyond birthday or a posr! Da only reson Watari swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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Watari made and Mello and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Mello comforted me. When we went back to the castle Watari took us to Professor Rester and Professor Lidner who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre detectives?" asked Professor Lidner.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Rester.

And then Mello shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Watari and Professor Lidner still looked mad but Professor Rester said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Mello and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Near?" Mello asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the boy's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a new pair of white pyjamas and took off my shoes and socks. When I came out….

Mello was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna murder people' by Kira and the Kiras. I was so flattered, even though he was my rival. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

((Note from BeyondSeptember12: I would just like to reiterate that I do not own Death Note or My Immortal, although now that I think about it the only thing this really has in common with DN is the character names, and sometimes not even that. Also, I am not holding this story hostage, I just feel like this parody would be incomplete without Tara's incoherent author's notes. So, without further ado, here is the chapter that contains the two worst puns I have ever made, in the same sentence.))

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a whitr miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with grey skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were white. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with white.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky red hair. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have goggles anymore and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Ed Sheeran. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm asexual so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Mail Jeevas, although most people call me Matt these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I don't deliver and I let people walk all over me." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Mello came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Nesr isn't a Marie Sue ok he isn't perfect HES A SATANITS! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

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Mello and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Matt. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes, at least that's what it looked like, sins i couldn't c his eyes bc of the goggles. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Mello. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Mello. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my pyjama top. Then I took off his black leather bra and his leather pants. I'm not sure how he got them on in the first place, but who da fuck cares. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in my ass and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Mello, Mello!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Mello's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Matt!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Mello pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you chocolate fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Mello ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Matt's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Rester and some other people.

"MATT JEEVAS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

((Note from the uploader of this sinful thing: I feel like this is the chapter where this kind of... stops making sense. So I am going to do some explaining quickly. I've decided to keep the Hogwarts houses, simply because the terrible spelling makes them an important part of the story, but "Hogwarts" will always be changed to "Wammy's". Also, Linda's surname is "Tailor" because... Linda L. Tailor idk. We don't have a canon last name for her, so I just went with it. And I feel like this wasn't made very clear but in this garbage shitpost AU Mello's full name is Draco Mellofoy, and Mello is a nickname. ANYWAY here's the sin.))

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Mello came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Near, it's not what you think!" Mello screamed sadly.

My friend L'inda Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long wate-length kawaii blond hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Linda was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Beyond Birthday killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Tailor. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Rester demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Mello, I can't believe you cheated on me with Matt!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Near was so mad at me. I had went out with Matt (I'm bi and so is Ebonear) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Yuri, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Mello anymore!" said Matt.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you minor character who dies after 2 minutes of screentime!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Yellow Box Warehouse where I had lost my virility to Mello and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da magna! dis is frum da drama ok so itz nut my folt if watri swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson rester dosent lik matt now is coz hes christian and matt is a satanist! MCR ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Mello for cheating on me. I began to cry against the fan where I did it with Mello.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with shinigami eyes and spiky hair and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He had shinigami eyes (basically like Beyond in the anime, OH WAIT) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Beyond Birthday!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Beyond shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Beyond fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Ebonear." he yelled. "Thou must kill Matt Jeevas!"

I thought about Matt and his sexah eyes and his fiery red hair and how his face looks just like Ed Sheeran. I remembered that Mello had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Mello fucked Matt in the butt before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Beyond!" I shouted back.

Beyond gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Mello!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Beyond got a dude-ur-so-ret*rded look on his face. "I hath pyrokinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Matt, then thou know what will happen to Mello!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Mello came into the warehouse.

"Mello!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Willy Wonka and Madonna.

"Are you the number one successor yet?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Wammy's together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

((Note from Z: Oh boy my dudes we are back in business))

AN: stup it u gay f*gs if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out l'inda mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n matt r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

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I was really scared about Byeond all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Legos 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between Kira and the Kiras, Forever Underappreciated Female Characters and MCR. The other people in the band are L'inda Mary, Mattpire, Mello, A (although we call him Anarchy now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Higuchi. Only today Mello and Matt were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Mello was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Matt was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a white cotton shirt that showed off my love of white clothing and matching pair of pants that said Simple Keikaku on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebonear! Are you OK?" L'inda Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Beyond Birthday came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Matt! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Mello. But if I don't kill Matt, then Beyond, will fucking kill Mello!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Mello jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser kira supporter bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Mello started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Watari walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebonear Draco Mellofoy has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."


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